Find My Spark
by floralcoasts
Summary: The summer before her seventh year, something terrible happens to Lily Evans and she returns to Hogwarts a changed woman. Laughter and bright have been replaced by panic and depression and Lily finds herself overwhelmed with life. Can she find herself again? Can James help? J/L WARNING: CONTAINS STRONG VIOLENT THEMES AND LANGUAGE


**A/N: Hello all! After taking a six year (wow!) break from writing fanfiction, I've decided to return under a different penname with a fresh start. I found this oldie in my documents bin and realized I had never finished it. I apologize for the slow feel of this chapter, and I assure more exciting things are coming in the near future! It's important to establish the way Lily feels in this chapter so that the later ones make more sense as I switch back to third person. Please read and review!**

Generally speaking, mirrors are one of the coldest, most unforgiving creations by man ever, including all forms of torture, wickedness and war.

Though appearing to be rather docile, those who've stared into its greasy, bottomless depths as long as I have know better; we know that those long, grueling hours spent in front of those wretched things bring about nothing but dread, fear, worry, and, more often than not, tears. So much wasted energy; so many wasted thoughts, and far too many wasted tears have haunted me nearly each and every time I've found myself locked inside this prison whilst imagining I was something—someone—different than I am. Almost a nightly ritual now, my eyes seem to find their way over each and every crack in my face, examining the new and often surprised at how far the old have seem to spread. Eyes comb over brittle, dull skin; glide down lackluster red tresses, cracked brittle lips, somehow always ending fixed upon themselves again, examining their own depths and often disappointed, to say the least.

It wasn't always this way, at least. I can remember a time when much of my days were spent in laughter, throwing smiles about like they were water and we were all dying of thirst. My friends have no clue how I got this way; from their point of view, I was perfectly fine one year, then returned one summer later a completely different person—a changed woman. I, however, know far better than this, and the memories sometime become far too overwhelming for me to handle and settle in my throat, threatening to suffocate me at a given moment. Those particular outbursts are the worst, usually ending in long periods of self-pity, curled up into a ball under several blankets in the middle of my bed. It's in that time that even I don't recognize myself and I wonder how in the world I could have allowed myself to become this, this creature—this monster.

Though, there are other times when the memories fall deeper down my throat, always remaining in the back of my mind as silent reminders that it's unacceptable to smile; it's impossible to laugh, and it's absolutely ridiculous to consider myself anything other than just… alive. I would fucking _kill_ to say the word 'happy' again; to know what it feels like to have the sun beat down my face and to truly appreciate it, not just accept it—to feel it again. Really, I'd kill to feel anything again other than sadness at this point. My parents tried so hard to make it all go away, but nothing seemed to work. So, here I am, lost again in my own self-loathing thoughts in front of the mirror, still wondering how in the world I got here and when it'll all go away. With a sigh, I reached into the bag on the side of the counter, carefully reapplying all of the cosmetics that I've already cried off, cursing myself for having done so with every pat of the cheek. Not even bothering to brush my hair, I quickly looped the rest of my, rather unmanageable, trademark red hair into an awkward, messy bun at the top of my head. Frowning, I examined my face once again, unimpressed. "I suppose this is as good as it gets."

Sighing—almost nearing on more of a groan than anything, really—my fingers fumbled around with the bottom hem of my uniform, attempting to smooth out the wrinkles that were probably permanent at this point. I did not bother to tuck in my shirt as I easily slipped through the door that separated my room from the larger communal living area I shared with one James Potter in the head boy and head girl's suites at Hogwarts. Normally, he would have been waiting patiently outside my door with some awful form of teasing, but he had stopped that a long time ago. He kept his distance from me and I kept my distance from him, just as I kept my distance from most people around me now.

Carefully, I crept through the common room. It was smaller than the regular Gryffindor common room I had grown to love during my time at Hogwarts, but it was lovely nonetheless. We shared a large fireplace, two couches and two overstuffed armchairs, arranged neatly in front of the hearth. The room was decorated in a red and gold motif, with great banners embroidered with grand lions and large letter 'G's. It was cozy, small and quiet, which was my favorite part. Normally, I spent most of my time alone here, as James spent the majority of his time prancing through Hogwarts with the rest of the Marauders.

"Ugh," came from the couch. I froze, completely still. Turning, I saw the bundle on blankets on the couch. My eyes followed the contours of the shape, coming to rest on the tufts of messy dark hair that stuck out from under the covers.

"_Breathe Lily, breathe. It's fine. Just keep walk-," _step, step, step, creek.

"Evans?"

I groaned, standing up a bit straighter than I had been before. There was no use in hiding anymore, he was already awake and was pushing himself up off the couch. It was the first time I had really seen him up close in a while. Summer had been good to James Potter; his jaw line was more defined, his shoulders broader and his arms much more muscular than I had seen him last. He squinted without his glasses, looking in my direction. I watched as he pushed himself up even further on the couch, letting the blankets slide down his chest and come to rest at his hips. He was not wearing a shirt, blimey.

I quickly looked down, sure that a mad blush was creeping up my cheeks. Why wasn't he wearing a shirt?! Two people lived in this suite, not one. It was extremely inconsiderate. Old Lily probably would have already been out the door, a nasty comment on her lips. Instead, I just stood there, frozen, and stared at the ground.

"Morning, Evans!" The boy beamed brightly, apparently having found his glasses. "I haven't seen you around here in ages. If I didn't know how much you loved me, I'd say you were avoiding me, lilypad."

I opened my mouth to speak, but stopped. I sighed instead, my fingers fumbling nervously with the hem of my skirt again. I wanted to say something sarcastic back, scold him for being shirtless in my common room and yell at him for having the gall to tell me I actually loved him. Of course I didn't! He had made my life miserable here since first year and I had absolutely hated him. He was an arrogant prat that didn't care about the feelings of others and was far too into himself for my liking. He was a big stupid spoiled brat, and I would never love him.

But I didn't say anything. I just stood there, looking sad and pathetic like I normally did. I hated myself for it.

"Lily? Hey, it's okay," he began, moving from the couch to where I stood. I felt myself get hot as he got closer. No, no, no. Not again. I felt my throat tighten and my lungs tighten. I felt like I was suffocating, but I couldn't call out for help. I closed my eyes and sank to the floor, pulling my knees into my chest.

The footsteps stopped and I heard him inhale. No, no, no. Go away. Please don't make me go through this again. I don't need this right now. I need to get away.

But I couldn't move. My breathing was shallow and rapid and I couldn't feel my body. James stood there for what felt like an eternity, none of us saying anything. The only noise between us was the sound of my body trying to catch my breath. It took me a while to realize I was shaking, and James must have seen it too because he was crouched in front of me, inches from my face.

"Lily," his voice was soft, reproachful. But I knew better. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."

No, no he didn't. But isn't that what they all say? They never mean to do anything to anyone, but they still do it, don't they? Instantly, the memories came flooding back to me, and I wanted to scream. The dark alley, his rough hands, the way they crept up my shoulders.

I felt the tears hit my neck before I knew they were on my face.

"Oh my god, Lily," James began. "What happened? It's okay, stop crying." He placed his hand on my shoulder and the scream was already out of my mouth before I could stop it.

He jumped back, shocked. Without looking at him, I mumbled a rushed "I'm sorry" before pushing myself to my feet and running out of the common room, leaving him staring after me on the floor.

* * *

If James had been affected by what had happened with us that morning, he didn't show it at breakfast. I barely looked up from my food when he walked into the Great Hall and sat down at his usual set with Remus, Sirius and Peter.

"Lily, are you even listening to me?"

I jerked my head up from my plate, startled. Emmeline Vance, my friend since first year, was staring back at me, an angry look on her face. She was quite beautiful, with long blonde hair that curled delicately at her waist and large blue eyes that normally shone with her usually bubbly carefree demeanor. Today, however, they looked surprisingly angry as she tapped her foot underneath the table.

"Honestly, Lily," she started. "I don't know what's wrong with you. You're never around anymore and when you are, you act like you're too good to talk to us. You haven't brushed your hair in weeks, and I don't even think your skin has seen sunlight in months."

"Emmy," a voice challenged from across the table. I looked from the angry blonde to the short-haired mousy little girl that was sitting across from us. She was tiny, extremely thin and had hair much shorter than Emmeline's, stopping in whispy chops at her chin. She gave me a soft expression before turning her gaze to the blonde.

"Leave her alone," she demanded in her small, high-pitched voice. I always thought she had been a mouse in her past life, but I knew her temper warranted something with far more teeth than that.

I glanced over at my Isabella, another friend from first year, and mouthed the words 'thank you.' She was far more level-headed than Emmeline was, but I knew she had her moments. I always favored her friendship over Emmy's. Not that I didn't love her or anything, but I just felt like Bella understood me far more than Emmy ever could have. Like me, Bella came from muggle parents, spent more time reading than doing her makeup and was fiercely competitive. Normally, I would have been the one to stand up for myself or for Bella from another one of Emmy's tirades, but I guess that wasn't the case anymore.

"No," Emmy snapped. "I'm done sitting here watching her blatantly ignore us on a daily basis!"

I groaned, putting my head in my hands. She was starting to yell and the last thing I needed was an argument. I just wanted to melt away and fade into the background.

"She doesn't even _look_ at us anymore, Bella! I'm done dealing with it! If she isn't going to tell us what's wrong, then how are we supposed to help her?"

By this time, everyone in the Great Hall had put down their utensils and were staring at us. I could feel their stares on my back and I hated Emmy for it. I knew she just wanted to help, but this wasn't the way to do it.

She was right though, and I knew it. Since returning to Hogwarts two months ago, nothing had been the same. I just didn't want to be around anyone. It wasn't like I didn't try and get over it or anything like that; I just couldn't. I heard footsteps behind me when no one was there and every time I closed my eyes to sleep, I had the same nightmare. It was like I could not escape my own thoughts, no matter how fast I ran.

Emmy continued to yell and Bella continued to yell back, bickering over how to "deal with me." Listening to their argument made me feel extremely guilty. None of this had ever been my intention; I had never meant to hurt anyone, let alone cause an argument like this in front of everyone. I desperately wished to be somewhere—anywhere—else than where I presently sat, but I knew that was not a possibility without the argument getting worse.

Cautiously, I stole a glimpse over my right shoulder, staring back at the tens of horrified stares looking back at me. Apparently, I was everyone's idea of a show with their breakfast. Unfortunately, I didn't feel the same. I felt my shoulders tense, itching to pull my head deep down into themselves much like a turtle creeping back into its shell. I felt my throat begin to grow drier and drier as the two girls shouted and I knew it would not be long before the panic set in and I was gasping for air round the corner somewhere.

I turned back around, preparing myself to speak up, but it didn't happen. Instead of words, all I could do was exhale loudly.

I was stupid to think I could push all of my friends away and expect them to be fine with it and to be waiting for me when I was better, but I had not been expecting to be treated like a criminal either. If I could just explain this to them, if I could just make them undertand-

"Enough." I jerked my head up again, looking from the stunned expressions on Emmy and Bella's faces to the tall form that had positioned itself behind Emmy.

James repeated himself, his eyes blazing. I couldn't look at him, not after what had happened that morning. Taking full advantage of the break in the yelling James had given me, I pushed my plate away and bolted out of the hall, ignoring the mumblings and stares that followed my back as I ran.

I didn't care what the said or where I ended up, I just needed to get away.

My name is Lillian Evans, but I go by Lily. I'm in my seventh year at Hogwarts and I'm Head Girl, a member of the Slug Club, the Charms Club and I'm at the top of my class. And I am afraid of everything, including telling my friends why. I'm a mess.

**A/N: Let me know if I should continue! Drop me a review! Thanks!**


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